Inspired by the Relationship Advice Column

8/19/17

I came across a column that intrigued me in the Saturday paper today, titled "The Art of Knowing Yourself" by marital therapist Neil Rosenthal. His column is one of three things I typically skim in the Saturday paper. I also read "Dear Abby" and the engagement/marriage announcements. A couple got married last month at a presbyterian church. They both graduated from the University of Northern Colorado. She is employed by the university while he works for their church skatepark (did I read that correctly?). Their reception featured a pancake dinner and a magician, who was a good friend of the groom's. I love reading about other people's lives, whether it's their somewhat comical problem (that, for whatever reason, they are seeking guidance for from a longwinded grammarian who attests to have the answer to everything, which is more often than not to "seek the counsel of a licensed therapist") or their jovial nuptials featuring flapjacks and card tricks. The thought of a pancake dinner and a magician as opposed to chicken parmesan and an open bar sort of warmed my soul this morning, even though it's nothing Adam and I ever would have entertained as a possibility for our margarita fest of a Tucson wedding. But I looked at the picture of this couple and thought, yes, that fits them. They looked completely happy.

Neil Rosenthal sometimes gives advice to people with relationship woes, and other times, like today, he shares tidbits on self-help or personal reflection. I'm almost arrogant in this category because I feel like I know myself pretty well. I was drawn to the title, though: "The Art of Knowing Yourself." I've never put much thought into the process of getting to know myself. I just feel self-aware, and I'm proud of that. I think it's because I'm more than willing to admit my faults; in fact, I like talking about things I'm bad at. I think Neil would say there's more to self-awareness than bemoaning my impressively uncoordinated cartwheel abilities, though. He shared some questions - journal prompts, he called them - in his column today. He suggests trying to answer them in three or four different ways, if possible. He says, "Hopefully these questions will assist you in knowing yourself in a deeper way." I'm going to answer a handful of them, because there were twenty five and some of them just made me feel annoyed when I read them (i.e, "Where in life do you feel abundant? What would help you to feel even more abundant?" I mean, I guess it's a nice question to consider, but the wording of it just makes me picture some token therapist asking it in that knowing, elevated tone that really makes me cringe). Feel free to bear with me as I plunge into a journey of self-discovery, the likes of which I probably haven't explored since my freshman year of college Honors seminar of the same title (yes, I took a class called "Self-Discovery," and I likewise treated the content like I was above it all, as I am doing right now with Neil. I think the first thing I'm learning about myself, before I even begin, is that I can be a little closed-minded).

8/23/17

I didn't start answering the questions on Saturday, like I intended to. Since starting teaching again, I find my mental energy to be a bit zapped. Teaching special education is like being a super secretary to 25 kids and also being responsible for teaching them how to read. And do math. And write a sentence. The little things. My left eye has been twitching since the first week of August and now the right one is beginning to flicker. Adam also heard that his job is up in the air. Him having an incomprehensible amount of student loan debt paired with my teacher's salary (with a pension!) makes this fact impossibly clear: We both need to work. Here comes that eye twitch again.

I've gotten so much better over the years at pushing stressful thoughts about things I can't control onto a shelf for later. I've been able to sleep. I've been able to get out of bed and believe in myself, in Adam. But this kind of stress, the what-if-we-have-to-move-into-my-parents'-basement kind of stress, is horribly unpleasant. And yet - I can appreciate how small these concerns are in the grand scheme of our lives. Today, a little Zywicki was born. Adam and I are an aunt and uncle (I joked, Aunt B and Uncle A-Hole). I'd never held a newborn before tonight, never seen one other than in pictures. I looked at his little face and was mesmerized. His life began today. Soon enough, there will be things that cause him worry. But today - he slept. What an exhausting ordeal we all have to go through to come into the world. Maybe that's the hardest thing we ever have to do: transition from the safety and consistency of the womb to the craziness and unpredictability of the world.

9/12/17

I keep pushing this entry to the back burner. I've been busy, yes, but I think I'm also intimidated by the questions Neil Rosenthal asked in his column. I'm worried I don't yet have the wisdom to answer them. Tonight, I have to try, because this has gone on long enough:

Questions to Know Myself Better

• How would you describe how to be genuinely happy? What is your secret to happiness?

First Response: I think being happy starts with being proud, or at least content, with who I am and what I am doing with my life. Being content, for me, starts by spending time with the people I love. I know there are people who re-charge with solitude and time to reflect away from social settings, but I believe my secret to happiness is surrounding myself with family and friends who energize me.

Second Response: To be genuinely happy, I have to let go of things I can't control. I have to focus on the present moment and all there is to be thankful for in it. I don't think I have a secret to happiness, but in order to be happy, I know that I must realize and accept that things won't always go my way - and this is ok.

• What strengths have you developed over your lifetime?

I was always good at following instructions as a kid. Memorizing formulas for math and turning every project in on time, with every single criterion met. As I've gotten older, entered adulthood, I've developed a different strength. I challenge things that don't align with my beliefs. I don't always do what people tell me to do - only if I feel it is the right thing to do.

• What does the critic inside your head say to you?

"You didn't handle that situation very well at all. Your co-workers probably have very little respect for you - you don't provide any meaningful input for them in regards to how to work with 'your students,' and 'your students' are struggling because of it. Because of you. You don't look like a 'real runner' when you run. Real runners are much leaner. You didn't say enough at that meeting. You said way too much at the brewery and people find you obnoxious. You talk too much about yourself. You're not good enough."

• What have you done that you thought you couldn't do?

Run a marathon. Run 20 miles by myself. Teach. Drive on the interstate. Navigate an airport and get on an airplane by myself. Make friends. Fall in love. Eat an entire sweet potato. Fall asleep at night. Leave work at work, on occasion. Cope.

• What are you looking forward to?

Seeing Aunt Kay and the rest of my family at the ALS Walk in Tucson next month. Watching the newest family members, Ryder and Reagan, learn and grow and laugh each day - wishing they didn't change so much so quickly. Drinking a glass of wine and watching Lost with Adam. Breweries with friends and my dad, sometimes Aunt Dana and Uncle Greg - just sitting, talking, having a beer. Racing in the Longmont Oktoberfest Triathlon on September 24th with Adam, the very race where we met while volunteering in college. Being competitive with myself but really, just so happy that I can participate in the race. I can swim. I can bike. I can run. Trivia with good friends. Do I look forward to beers too much? Probably. There's beer at trivia. Going out to eat, ordering whatever looks best, and having people prepare it for me and bring it to me and clean up after me. Baking a cake for Erik's birthday, if he want me too. I will anyway because I look forward to eating cake. Time with my mom while she's in town, bike rides or tennis or walks with Joni, or just sitting on the back porch talking over rosé. Having a laugh with Mimi over something honest but rude that she said. Sleeping in. Being with the people I love. 

• What could you do to feel more peaceful, less worried and less anxious?

Never open my school email at home. 

• The things you are currently doing that do not further your goals or truly enhance your life:

Opening my school email at home.

• What are your guilty pleasures - things you shouldn't do, but enjoy doing anyway?

Binge watching television shows on Netflix (often shows that I've already seen). Eating out at restaurants we can't really afford. Shopping sprees at Old Navy. Tearing at the skin on my cuticles. Re-watching Hairspray any time that I am sad. Social media-stalking people from the past just to see if their lives are more or less successful than mine. 

• What in your life is precious, sacred, or very special to you, but that you tend to take for granted?

Time with my family and loved ones. 

• Complete this sentence: I love...

Tacos. Beer. Adam. Mom and Dad. Erik. Aunt Kay. Mimi. Aunt Dana. Karen and Karl, Ryder and Reagan. Everyone in my family. Racing. Winning. My friends. Running. Riding my bike. The mountains. Leaving work for the day. The feeling after a really good workout. Weddings. Dancing at weddings. Open bars at weddings. Long weekends. Hiking. Taking pictures while hiking. Writing. Learning new things. Going to dinner at my parents'. Getting compliments. Giving compliments. Having good days with my students. Tennis, if I'm playing well. Cheering for Roger Federer and Serena Williams. Reading Harry Potter over and over again. Taking weekend trips with Adam. A really good cheeseburger. Baking. Long walks. Falling asleep to Inglorious Basterds or Django or La Bamba with my dad. Fires on my parents' back porch with Dad and Adam and Joni. Holding Joni, when she'll let me. Deep water aerobics with Mom at Sunset Pool. Bike rides to lunch at the Sun Rose Cafe. Being myself. 

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I'm ready to close this out. What I'm left with is a feeling that my answers to these questions will likely change with time...and to me, that feels completely liberating. Thanks, Neil.