Sometimes I get a very strong urge
to self-sabotage, and this usually
never manifests
any further than an imaginary scenario
inside my head. I spend a lot of time
pretending.
When I post a picture of myself and
something that I did, I'm looking for
attention. When I post my feelings
about my life and what it means,
I'm looking for validation.
If it's obvious that someone
doesn't like me,
I spend equal-parts of energy
on self-righteousness
and self-loathing.
My aunt and I had a conversation at a brewery
about how good our family is
at loving each other,
because even if we are as dysfunctional as any group of people
with strong personalities
in one small
geographic radius,
we give each other space
to be ourselves.
I want people to like me and say things like,
"Wow, she's really impressive.
She's really living her life right," and smile
like people do
in that knowing way, but I don't want them
to assume, like I do about people
who are really impressive
and living their lives right,
that it simply is that way.
About Me
- Beth
- From "Letters to a Young Poet," Rainer Maria Rilke: “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
